I’m doing it again. I caught a thought of “what if…” and now I’m reading my old substack posts, seeing what I think they will see. Really, my projections are inventing a fictitious person and a story about how they might perceive me. But reality? Do I ever look through someone’s instagram, laugh and smile at their cleverness or way of expressing themself, the way I imagine this person is doing while looking through mine? I don’t. Or I haven’t yet. Or the people whose instagrams I would want to peruse this way don’t put much out there. Or I blocked the memory because the last time I did that I stumbled into ex-girlfriend territory and found tragic “I love you”s still facing the public.
Yes, there’s that “what if…” thought but there could also be a “why not” thought. Why not is nothing and probably worse than nothing. It’s an indifference with consequences. But as a grown person I’ve learned I’ve got to want someone more than “why not.” I’ve probably wasted a lot of nights and broken some hearts on “why not” but at least I realize it now. At least now I know I have to want a person, it’s not enough for just them to want me.
And just when I think there might be someone like this, the storyteller comes online and reads all my substack posts again.
Yeah, it fucking sucks when they don’t take your boundary seriously and then break your heart, but at least you got to feel what it was like to want someone.
It’s actually a relief, to want someone, after being with so many about whom you were just “why not”. Instead of inventing how you fit together with this person you just do. Instead of having to keep talking yourself into it you just listen.
It’s another kind of relief after they break your heart when you look around and realize “none of this chaos has to become mine!” Even though you were prepared to accept it, it’s a relief in the end not to have to.
You would assume that as a single person I have a problem with commitment. But I am beginning to believe the opposite is true - I commit hard. Rarely, but completely. I just think I therapy-ed my heart to the top shelf. The next “what if…” person won’t have to climb up there, but I will have to decide to bring it down and share it.