hey it’s October. i haven’t been writing much (except for crawling my way through another of Nick Jaina’s writing workshops which i feel less and less capable of doing, hence the crawling, each one i take - my arrogance must be unraveling - i doubt this means i’ve gotten better or worse as a writer it just means i don’t think i’m as good as i used to think i was; since my whole thing is honesty and integrity and facing things as they are, this is important even if it feels uncomfortable right now). i guess i took the summer off to be angry, because if you sum up my experiences July through now the primary emotion is anger. i also did some traveling, read some books, and attempted to re-integrate to society with mixed results (for example I picked up Covid on my trip to Denver over Labor Day weekend).
Anyway I have no real piece here; i just know not everyone who receives this email participates in instagram, and I’ve put the app back on my phone for the month of October so that I could post artwork this month. This is my cut-and-paste summary of the first week of October.
20211001. I’m wondering if maybe if I finish one piece a day I’ll stop feeling like the only place I’ve been lately is on the take. Im no longer asking what no longer serves me because that perspective might serve me but at the expense of a price I haven’t been asked to pay and probably won’t be but a price nonetheless that collectively accumulated by all of us signed up to the idea that everything in our lives is meant to serve us is staggering. Instead I am asking what am I serving? And how? And why? #acrylic #art on #cardboard
20211002. I guess it’s audit month. “What’s your love language?” Am i the only one who has been hearing that question as wanting to know how I receive love without ever stopping to wonder how I show it? Is it a symptom of the everything-in-my-life-must-serve-me-or-be-let-go mindset that once again mentally I’ve oriented myself to be on the receiving end without noticing until now? It’s so much more important to know how you give and what you can offer, than to offer up a list of ways you will fevcieve.
2021003. I used to write every day but what I’m craving lately is painting because I’m tired of talking about myself. I haven’t met many new people in the last two years and when I do now that I’m aware of how much I usually do talk about myself I have much less to say. That’s alright but how do I draw anyone to me if not through this kind of seduction by showing off? I don’t know. So painting is what I have to give right now because I’d rather not say anything at all.
20211004. Makes sense coming from the oldest sibling of a large noisy family but I notice Phil’s stripes (there are 39) and I notice the individual birds that come to feed here and I even notice when there’s one I’ve never seen before and I love that (are there such birds as melanistic chickadees because that’s what this new one looked like the other day). #art #markers #pigmamicron
20211005. Just some lines on paper. Fine line private label markers and a gel pen. Some nights all you have to give are a few lines.
20211006. I read a discussion on Twitter the other day about how hard social cues are to read and why does it fall on non-neurotypical people to parse all that when really it’d be a whole lot easier if people only said what they really meant and didn’t say yes when they want to say no. Sometimes one true word from a dishonest person is what you find out, when you get it, was all you really needed to end the eight year unbreakup (cause what do you call the end of a situation?). So for that I’m grateful but I do not wish to meet again and I actually feel it in my bones this time.
20211007. I started this piece last year when I was talking to someone three times zones west of me (in SF) about whom I kept having bad dreams. Really it was me trying to reach myself because though interacting with intelligent people does expand your intelligence it was exhausting having to share my mind for hours every evening. It felt like I had no space for my own thoughts but I wouldn’t consciously admit it. When I look at the finished piece though it has a feeling of freedom for me like there’s some kind of dancing happening so I guess it represents the moment I realized I didn’t have to call this person anymore. I think it took this long to finish because there was other stuff I had to get free of too.
20211008. October week 1 done. Hanging the #art on the wall counts.
These three were a lot of fun to finish. In honesty I did the base layer and the first outlines in weak sharpie back in April or whenever i last felt like making anything.
I don’t really know what else I was doing in the summer in my free time besides reading and traveling… If autumn is digestion season and finished artwork is the result of processing what has come before this time then… I guess im being vulnerable here if you think about it metaphorically since we all know what the end result of digestion is!
thanks for scrolling along and making it to this point. i’ve been having a hard time with everything; nobody ever talks about depression being a symptom of covid but that was the first sign something was wrong and i don’t think i’m over it. i don’t usually have many people reaching out to me (am i scary? just not fun to be around? a party pooper because i don’t think fun is the purpose of life and i take things literally and don’t do a lot of sarcasm?) but if you think to send me a hello or a funny picture or a drawing of your cat or a text message to tell me you’re on your way, etc. you’ll have my gratitude. i’m that strong-passing person your influencers tell you to check in on.
Hi, I wanted to go to the tango on the rocks, but I was too scared. I am sad to miss it. I hope you feel better.
Here's how to be interesting when meeting someone new;
……….I'm just curious;
1. Where are you from originally?
2. a) (if from here) Have you lived here all your life? OR
b) What brought you here?
3. Do you have a family?
4. What do you do?
5. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?